Do you pass the litmus test of true and genuine love of others?

Self-love comes in two flavors. 

Flavor One: The obvious way

1) We pay no attention to others and are selfish with our time and talents. It is always about our problems, our situation, our job, our hobbies, our relationships, etc... the list is endless.

Flavor Two: The discreet, good guy way 

2) We actually love ourselves through others. We are consumed with loving ourselves but we are smart and savvy enough to do it 'quietly'. 

Boomerang Love

Loving ourselves through others is when we actually serve, develop, pour into, and love others...not primarily out of true care and concern but rather primarily out of self-love. 

See, if I pour into you, develop you, add value to you, serve you, etc...then you say great things about how much I helped you, how you are grateful for me, how I was a godsend, how I helped change your life...I get the adulation, love, and respect that I crave.

The Litmus Test Question

This is nuanced but the litmus test is as follows: 

How do you react when you invest in others, really serve and pour in...and they don't give you recognition, thanks, or encouragement. Or maybe they give it, just not to the level you think you deserve. 

How do you respond? 

Does it hurt to pour in and have someone act as if we did nothing? Sure it does. But does it level us? Does us infuriate us? Does it make us bitter and resentful? 

If those are 'yes', you might not actually be loving them but actually loving yourself. 

I call it boomerang love. 

I throw love at you but love must come back to me in the form of praise, encouragement, and adulation. Truly loving someone is loving them for the sake of truly loving them. Not for the praise and encouragement.

Savior Complex

The savior complex describes someone who feels a deep need to help people or to put it more bluntly, the need to fix people. Again, the goal is to be loved and adored and the vehicle is helping/fixing people. 

I think this desire to love, serve, and pour into others actually starts off with pure motives. The person that is wired to love and serve does so out of their gifts and wiring. The issue often comes after they get praised for being so helpful. 

We can recognize this at an early age: when we do 'A' (in this case love and serve) we get praised. So I am going to do more of 'A' (love and serve). 

Because of this...our motives change. I no longer do it out of my gifts and wiring and love of people...I do it out of my desire to be loved and thought much of.

Getting ZERO thanks, praise, or recognition after serving and pouring into someone and being totally okay with that...that is actually loving and serving people.

How others might experience us

To end...when we exhibit boomerang love or the savior complex, people can feel a 'neediness' from us. Other words that could describe how someone experiences us... 

- "They are too much" 
- "They try to hard" 
- "They are high maintenance"

The last thing I want to do is come across like that.

Love people without expecting anything in return!

PS. When I talk about self-love I am not saying that you:
- shouldn't eat well
- sleep well
- have no boundaries in relationships
- etc. 

We should all do the things that help us stay healthy. That to me is not self-love but rather wisdom. 

Click here to order my book The Leadership Greenhouse

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One of my weekly disciplines is scouring the internet for articles/tweets I can learn from and/or use with those I work with. Below are two that I hope help encourage and equip you.

Article 1- I am a mental model nerd.

Article 2- Discipline now, freedom later

Podcast: Rick McCarty, Baseball coach at Abilene Christian University. Elite leader. Elite guy.

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