WHAT SHAME LOOKS LIKE, HOW TO DEAL WITH IT, AND WHAT A LEADER LOOKS LIKE WITHOUT IT!
We all deal with shame. The problem with our shame is we often don’t even recognize what is going on when we experience it.
We don’t have eyes to see what is happening.
My personal experience with shame is a loud bullhorn in my mind screaming “you are not enough and you are unworthy!” There can also be a level of regret (“you failed again”) or feeling dishonored (“did you just hear what he/she said to you?”).
We feel shame in the areas that mean the most to us. If you criticize my parenting, it is possible I will feel shame. If you criticize my coaching, again, I might have a level of shame stir up.
Criticize my handy man skills…I could care less! Zero shame will stir up in me.
Criticize how I dress. Again, zero shame.
Why? Because I could care less about my handyman skills and how I dress…but I care deeply about being a great parent and coach.
Signs of shame
I have found that the two most common responses to shame are…
anger or defensiveness (or self-protect and self-promote)
retreat or disengage.
When I sense myself getting angry or defensive, I know that shame is often the cause. This can also feel like a need to self-protect and self-promote. These for me, are the common responses to shame.
I will rarely retreat or disengage, although I have, at times, dealt with shame this way.
When someone comes to you with criticism or simply states that something can be done in a better way, what happens to you internally?
When criticism or new idea creates the following internal responses, we can bet it is from a place of shame…
“what do they know?”
“how dare they”
“I’ve been doing this job longer than they have been alive.”
Don’t confuse these responses with arrogance. When it hits at a really deep level, it is often shame. When it is more of a surface level, that might just simply be arrogance.
If your response is to shut down and disengage from the situation…this too can come from a place of shame.
In my experience, when we are in a professional setting, we often deal with shame in a passive and disengaging way. When we are in a setting where we are around family, friends, and close co-workers, we will often respond in a more angry, harsh way. This is not true in every case but can be a pattern.
Side note: the most common time we disengage with people we are closest to is when a spouse repeatedly brings correction or criticism to their spouse. This often causes a shut down.
Several months ago my wife mentioned something to me about parenting. My immediate response was defensiveness with a harsh tone. Why? Because in that moment, I felt shame.
My wife was not trying to shame me. She simply made a comment. The problem was not with my wife but rather with me…and specifically my shame that welled up inside of me. “How dare she critique my parenting. I try to be a great parent.” It was total defensiveness coming from a place of shame.
One coach told me about feedback he received not too long ago. He shared with me how he completely disengaged after hearing the critique.
I asked him if the feedback produced in him a feeling of shame. He took some time to process, and after a lengthy pause, said “now that I think about it, that is exactly what I was feeling.”
So how do we deal with it?
One, we must recognize what is going on. If we think the other person is the cause for our unhealthy reaction, we must pause and recongnize that it is not a “them thing” but a “me thing”.When we make it a ‘them thing” we are giving way too much power to that person. Don’t give away your power.If we tie our identity to our job, our parenting, the project, or anything external, we will constantly feel shame when those things (our job, parenting, the project, etc) are critiqued.
The next thing we must do is position ourselves as a learner. Ask yourself “Is this feedback accurate?” and if so, “What can I learn from this?”When we have a learner mindset and not a defender mindset, criticism or feedback is not threatening but rather propelling.
Shame has been a part of our lives since the beginning of creation. It is not new. It prevents many leaders from being their best at work and in their personal relationships.
To walk free of shame takes some work. The work is with us…internally.
What a leader looks like when void of shame
Takes ownership (doesn’t blame others)
Calm and emotionally intelligent (doesn’t blow up in anger)
Consistently engaged (even in hard moments)
Doesn’t need to self-protect or self-promote
Open to feedback and critique without defensiveness
Learner mindset
Comfortable in their own skin
WALKS AND LEADS IN TOTAL FREEDOM!
*To get leadership frameworks and principles that help you get to the heart of leadership, click HERE
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One of my weekly disciplines is scouring the internet for articles/tweets I can learn from and/or use with those I work with. Below are two that I hope help encourage and equip you.
Article 1- The Power of Shining Your Light (scroll down to the middle of the page)
Article 2– How to be not so fragile (and also help others not be so fragile)
Podcast: Joan Ryan. Author of the great book “Intangibles-The art and science of team chemistry.”
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